MetanoiaMadness

I’ve been quiet lately.

Not because I ran out of things to say, but because my body finally asked me to stop long enough to hear myself again.

I didn’t plan on taking a break. I just hit a point where the noise outside of me felt louder than the voice inside of me, and I didn’t want to keep moving from autopilot. So I stepped back. I rested. I slept. I felt things I’d been ignoring.

And in the quiet, a few things surfaced.

Some familiar.

Some new.

All of them mine.

There were moments where I could feel old patterns trying to pull me back.. the urge to overthink, the instinct to chase certainty, the part of me that wants to control how everything plays out. Especially when it comes to relationships.

It’s strange how connection can make you confront yourself without anyone saying a word.

How someone’s presence can soften you and scare you at the same time.

How a simple conversation can make you notice the parts of you that are still learning how to trust what you feel instead of running from it.

These past few weeks have brought up things I thought I’d already grown past.

The hesitation.

The quiet fear of being too much or not enough.

The habit of pulling away right when something starts to mean something.

But it also showed me how much I’ve changed.

I didn’t shut down.

I didn’t disappear into my thoughts.

I didn’t numb myself to avoid feeling everything at once.

I let things unfold.

I let myself care without collapsing into it.

I let myself rest without guilt.

There’s a softness in me now that didn’t exist a year ago. A steadiness too. And sitting in that.. sitting in myself.. is what this break has really been about.

I’m not writing this because I have clarity tied up with a bow.

I’m not here with some perfect insight about healing or growth.

I just needed space.

To breathe.

To feel.

To let some shadows come to the surface without trying to fix them.

To let some hopes sit in my chest without trying to force them into a storyline.

And I’m coming back now because something in me feels more present again.

More here.

More honest.

Not healed.

Not finished.

Just… real.

And that feels like enough for today.

— Nicholas